Statutory warning: this article is the outcome of the extreme angst of a starved palate.

Through centuries of evolution, man has experimented on fellow humans and himself in the quest for a better living. With the same spirit, I began my tryst (OK! It was a wrestling match) with cooking. My experimental model was a 98 Kg apparently healthy male (Anup Kumar Singh Rajput or AKSR of ’99 batch) whereas I served as the ‘wild type’ control. Seeing AKSR spit out the first bite of roti that I had conjured, I was sure that all experimental parameters had been met. I was, in the words of AKSR, the worst cook on the planet who could turn wheat into cardboard and rubber. Not that AKSR is any better - he is just about able to pour water from a jug into a glass. Ah! The caprices of cooking.

I feel funny that in the over 2 decades of my existence, I never learned how to cook. I can intubate a gasping patient with precision and suture sawed off skin but cannot scramble eggs! If you are in the same position, don’t panic. Just read on for the dos and don’ts for novice cooks!

Don’ts: The following stunts have been performed by professional stunt personnel - do not attempt at home or unsupervised.

• Don’t go for a swim while the pizza is still in the oven. Even if you enjoy the taste of charcoal, it is a nice idea to stick around till the cooking is over.

• Just because chicken can be cooked in the microwave, does not mean that eggs can follow suit. It is a strain on the neck to clean the yolk off the insides of the microwave. The smell does not help either.

• Don’t add spices (although some will suggest otherwise). Studies conducted in labs show that spices produce a sensation of pain on the tongue. Studies conducted in my state-of-the-art kitchen show that it causes people (read me) to sweat.

• Most important: don’t hope for mummy-ke-banaye-paranthe, at least not in the US. Those days are over!

Do’s: Those who can - do. Those who can’t - teach!

• Befriend local desis (especially married ones): This will ensure an irregular supply of excellent food. Also, you might pick up easy to cook recipes (pass them on to me!).

• Get married: No! Your wife won’t cook for you. But she will ensure that you learn how to make excellent paranthas, Sanjeev Kapoor style.

• Stock up fruits and pre-cooked meals.

• Learn to make noodles.

• Understand that the expiry date printed on the food is not just for decoration.

If all above fail: Start writing for Connections - that is food for thought.

Happy eating!

Divyanshoo Rai Kohli

’03 batch